I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am available for nakedness
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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