are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
