In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
