$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
