Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
