Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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