Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
