M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
