Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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