Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
