My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
