I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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