Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
