his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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