we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
