Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize