True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
