So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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