my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
