i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize