What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
