Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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