I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
