She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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