How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
