I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize