DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
