We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
