The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I want a musical about memes.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
