First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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