I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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