can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Randomize
