If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
