Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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