Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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