I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
