Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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