gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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