fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
