I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
