I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
