the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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