All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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