Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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