she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
