Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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