she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
