i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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