what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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