I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
