Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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