grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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