Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
