How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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