I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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