Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
