Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
