My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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