I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize