Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
