Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
