You're a womanizer and a bitch.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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