I must be too annoying 4 u.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
