Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
