Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
